I TOOK LOTS OF SELFIES ON THE TRAIN, HAVE A SAMPLE

MY HAIR LOOKS COOL

Egon Schiele

vicemag:

RIO DE VAGINA - THE BRAZILIAN DRAG QUEEN GUIDE TO TUCKING

Every boy has given himself a mangina at least once. In the locker room, at summer camp, in front of the full-length mirror in your parents’ bedroom when you thought they’d already left for the store—whatever the setting, the urge to hide your junk between your legs, leaving only a soft tuft of pubes in view, is universal and ineluctable. It’s a healthy practice that yields great pictures, but for some men, the thrill of not having a dick never ends. And for transsexuals and drag queens, whose job it is to not have a dick, tucking is less a boyhood larf than an essential trick of the trade. 

Since luscious, heterosexuality-challenging trannies are Brazil’s third-largest export (after Havaianas and Seu Jorge), we felt the burden was on us to explore the technical minutiae of this beloved national institution. So with help from our favorite queen, Lohren Beauty, we present a step-by-step guide on how to hide your hose.

PENIS PREPARATION: A hairless mangine is many things—aesthetically pleasing, hygienic, and easy to maneuver. So wax or shave as much as possible, from your belly button to the start of your spine, being sure to hit the dick, balls, asshole, and gooch. A word of warning, though: Avoid using adhesive tape if you’re freshly shaven because it’s easy to end up with a crotch rash that could be mistaken for the clap. 

The next step is to hide your balls. This is essential for all methods of dick tucking, so it’s important to get your technique nailed down. Stretch your wang forward as far as you can and gingerly push your testicles up one at a time, back into that cavity where they were hiding before puberty. This usually isn’t painful, so if you feel like you’re about to barf while fainting, you’re doing something wrong. A tip: This is easiest to do while lying on your back, delicately finessing your testes like a pair of Chinese meditation balls until they sloonk right up in. Getting into a bathtub full of cold water immediately beforehand can also help. Now you’re ready for the most important step: hiding your tube steak. Depending on your size and preference, there are three ways to do this, which have been passed down from tranny fathers to ladyboy sons for generations. We’ve summarized them below. 

METHOD 1: BASIC TUCK

Necessary material: a thong two sizes too small
Recommended dick size: longer than six inches

This is the half-Windsor knot of penis tucking, i.e., the one novices should master before moving on to other methods. First, stretch your schlong forward and then down, join it with your balls, and pull both of them back between your legs, toward your butt. Tug it as hard as you can; the tighter it gets, the more even and beautiful your fake pussy will appear. Next, put on some panties. They’re the secret to keeping your dick in the right position (and also to being a classy woman). We recommend Lycra underwear, which isn’t super-pretty but combines comfort and flexibility. If you must use lace panties, we recommend wearing a pair of skin-colored Lycra tights underneath. One drawback to consider: If you get an erection, your “pussy” will expand, and it may look like you’re wearing a soaked maxi pad. Gross.

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